Let me start by saying I love football. I really only love a couple of teams, but I love watching football on Saturdays and Sundays. Back in the day, I owned the Bruce Weber football books. And by "back in the day," I mean back in the day when Danny White was the Cowboys QB.
Anyway.
As I get older and watch more football, I notice things. I shall share, in the hopes that someone can explain these things.
1. Football announcers love homoerotic terminology. Forget the fact that large grown men jumping on top of each other and slapping asses is inherently gay. I'm talking about the announcers here. I can't count the times I've heard them say something squirted out, popped out, was driven into or came from behind. As manly as the sport is, the announcers are so much girly-manlier.
2. You can't make an ass in uniform look bad.Show me one player — just one — with a less than stellar ass. Something about shiny tight pants works. Take note, straight men looking to catch a girl's eye.
3. Every other player is named Reggie.Reggie Bush. Reggie Wayne. Reggie Brown. Reggie Williams. It goes without saying that if you hope your kid grows up to be a football star, name him Reggie.
4. If your name isn't Reggie, you'd better hope it's odd.Peerless. Samkon. Keyshawn. Alge. The only players who don't have odd names are the kickers. And, really, are they even players?
5. Token girl reporting from the sidelines is never categorically hot. What happened to Jillian Barberie? She at least was fun to look at. Now, it's like they brought in a bunch of butch females that are attractive to Joe Namath only.
6. Head coaches never look like just regular guys. Bill Cowher looks like the evil sensei from a future Karate Kid installment. Mike Holmgren or Andy Reid? I'm surprised they haven't been questioned for offering candy to kids they don't know. They also look like Santa Claus' younger brothers. I thought Lovie Smith made enough money playing J.J.'s dad on "Good Times" — I wonder how he finds time to coach AND star in "Men in Trees" nowadays. Jim Mora: Isn't he just a 'roided out August Busch XIVVIX from the Anheuser-Busch ads? And so on. Point is, they always stand out much more so than the players.
7. Ocho Cinco is pure entertainment.This guy needs to be the creative force behind a struggling ad agency. Need a new slogan? 85 is your man. Looking for a gesture that needs no words? Look no further than the Chad. He'll pump new life into anything, including that football in the end zone.
8. The only reason they moved Monday Night Football to ESPN is because Hank Williams Junior is too scary for the masses. I swear one day he's going to pull off his mask and reveal he's really Michael Jackson. Regardless, if your name is Hank Williams and "Senior" or "III" is not your suffix, you probably need to stay off of prime-time network television.
That's all (for now). Agree? Disagree?
